joke of the day.

[sonny]

What happened to the joke of the day?

[Scott H]

I bet it was the few religious-oriented jokes that got it yanked.

[sonny]

People need to lighten up, they are just jokes.

[ford38v8]

It wasn't the jokes. It was the self righteous.

[jack orchard]

they are only jokes. please bring them back...jack

[B-O-B]

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Why not start a thread on humor?

[Scott H]

Originally Posted by B-O-B

Why not start a thread on humor?

MustangsandMore.com has a separate area for humor, and although the site itself is pretty strictly monitored and family-friendly the humor area is labeled "the Men's Room" and you have to sign up and be over 18 to view it. Still, they don't allow porno or swearing in there, just some politically-incorrect and often times off-color jokes.

[Kens 34 PU]

Yeah, we could call it the "New and improved, guaranteed not to piss anybody off, the seven words you can't say on tv, don't say this or don't say that joke thread" but only if the ghost of McCarthy doesn't think it has a commie overtone to it!"

Sorry in advance if I hurt someone's feeling by posting this!

[ford38v8]

There once was a group of jackals who lived on a beautiful island in the middle of the ocean. They had the shady side of the island, and the hyenas had the sunny side of the island. When the jackals found out the hyenas had sunshine, they went berserk and drove the hyenas out into the ocean and took over the whole island for themselves.

The hyenas then learned to swim and frolic in the cool water, and were just so happy to be alive. The jackals looked on in amazement and wondered how they could also be happy to be alive, which they definitely were not. They decided to dry up the ocean so the hyenas would not have more fun than they. The jackals went right to work shoveling dirt into the ocean to dry it up, while the hyenas continued to frolic.

The island shrunk and shrunk and got so tiny that there wasn't any shade left at all, and yet the jackals continued to shovel dirt into the ocean. The hyenas watched all this in amazement, and continued to swim and frolic, just so happy to be alive.

The jackals then discovered that they had run out of dirt to shovel, and in fact had run out of island altogether. When they saw that they hadn't dried up the ocean at all, and the hyenas were still swimming and frolicking, they just drowned and the hyenas laughed and swam and frolicked ever after. The end.

[Brian]

I've been holding off posting on this thread with my opinions on this matter. I was a participant in the original thread, and some of my posts would have admittedly been borderline, but that is the nature of jokes; they are intended to be interpreted a certain way. Unfortunately, certain recipients of this material choose to take offence.
I believe laughter is the best medicine, and this forum does deserve to have a thread based on humour. I think Scott H has a good solution. There has been no communication from Ryan about the tone of the original thread, rather it has just disappeared. Maybe Ryan could organise a restricted adults site for us, after all, some of the HAMB stuff would upset certain individuals here, and yet it goes.
Lets be grown up about this. Brian

[JeffB2]

Here is how you do it on this Social Network,you have the option of creating a Social Group to do this click on "Community" up top, click on Social Groups and create one that caters to your particular interest and state that in your heading, here is a good example from the HAMB http://www.jalopyjournal.com/forum/g...hp?groupid=149 as you can see you can post a lot of subjects that are not allowed in our Main board here.Here is another example http://www.jalopyjournal.com/forum/g...hp?groupid=453 where even politics is discussed,a Social Group is like your TV remote if you don't like something don't watch it by giving it a "click".As long as members respect one another and avoid trashing someone else's way of thinking and keeping an open mind you will find harmony.

[1931 flamingo]

It's too bad it only takes one or two "jxxrks" to screw it up for everybody else. I really liked that thread. JMO
Paul in CT

[1949FORD]

I checked that thread everyday to get a good laugh. I really liked that thread. Please bring it back!

[sonny]

I agree with 31 flamingo just some holier than thou jerks.

[Dave Mc]

Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me...... I recieved a nasty note in PM from some guy in Conneticut about a joke I posted , I bet He complained to the Staff and may not have been the only complaint they recieved..? too bad as it is fun to share a laugh......

[Lanny]

Can you take a Joke ?
Some can tickle your funny bone
and give many a chuckle for the day










.

[Lanny]

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a Tuffet
Eating Her Curds and Whey
Along Came a Spider,
and Sat Down Beside Her
And Said.......


What'Cha Got in The Bowl Bitch











.

[3738]

It was the one thread I made sure to read every day....

[sonny]

Is there anyway we can protest?

[Graeme / New Zealand]

Originally Posted by Dave Mc

Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me...... I recieved a nasty note in PM from some guy in Conneticut about a joke I posted , I bet He complained to the Staff and may not have been the only complaint they recieved..? too bad as it is fun to share a laugh......

I got one "congratulating" me for shutting the thread down.
The joke I told concerning the current festive season and "nails", nearly started a "holy war" and was probably the final "nail" in the thread. Easter is supposed to be about "goodwill towards all mankind".... or so I thought." I don't set out to cause offence but really some people get too precious. Like the subject of my joke "the thread will rise again"

GB

[JeffB2]

Here is a place you can go for your daily shot of humor http://www.clubhotrod.com/hot-rod-lo...page-duel.html one of my favorite places when I crave some cheer in day.

[Tinker]

I'm the one who congratulated you. I was also the one who suggested you to remove the pornographic cartoon a month ago, not that i cared but thought others would (verbal is one thing a picture of it different). you did. Thank you. I dont go to Ryan when something is not my bag here, I talk to them directly. So it wasn't me. Also thank you for the personal insults you sent me. Goodwill to others applies to all.

Hey I was surprised how long it did last and I see another has been started.

Have a Happy Easter weekend everyone.

[Scott H]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?”

“Sex!!” he replies.

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?”

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson's.”

[Bassman/NZ]

Some people need to get a life.... they're only jokes, fer pete's sake!

[Graeme / New Zealand]

Originally Posted by Tinker

Graeme I'm glad you can ressurect the joke thread by your good grace, after destroying it.

I'm the one who congratulated you. I was also the one who suggested you to remove the pornographic cartoon a month ago, not that i cared but thought others would (verbal is one thing a picture of it different). you did. Thank you. I dont go to Ryan when something is not my bag here, I talk to them directly. So it wasn't me. Also thank you for the personal insults you sent me. Goodwill to others applies to all.

Hey I was surprised how long it did last and I see another has been started.

Have a Easter weekend everyone.

Tink it's supposition on your part to say I destroyed the thread on my own. I'm not saying you would go to Ryan, because you would not have sent me a pm if that was "your bag", like you I am direct. But that pm deserved a reply and I found it in Wikipedia with a direct quotation of what a "tinker" is (UK version). I'm not going to get into a "slanging match" as I joined this site to gain( more) and share (less) knowledge on Flat Heads and not for the jokes. Also I want to still be welcome here. This is the end of this as far as I'm concerned

Easter greetings

GB

[B-O-B]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

happy Easter everyone.

[uncle max]

Good News - Bad News

Good News: Liberace is dead.

Bad News: They found your picture in his wallet.

[sonny]

Graeme I still think your joke was hilarious. Some people just need to loosen up a bit and get a life. Joke of the day was something I looked forward to.

[ford38v8]

A couple of days ago I was so pissed that I authored a new post regarding this situation, directing my anger to the compulsion of some to require the world to conform to their way of thinking. I got it out of my system before hitting the Submit" button, which I had decided would have been my last Submit, and I sheepishly closed the browser window instead.

Perhaps I've said more than I should even now, as in doing so I'm quite sure of my fate as viewed by those folks, but suffice it to say that at the time, I was willing to delete the Barn from my Browser Favorites, as loss of the Joke of the Day would have spoiled the Barn experience for myself and my wife, who also enjoyed it. I'm delighted that there is now a revitalized Joke thread, and will now mosey over to read the newest entry there.

[Fe26]

Ain't this just like the old carnival game, ya bang one clown on the head and back into his hidey hole, then another two pop up just to laugh at you, and cause you to become confused as to which one you'll hit next. On and on it goes until you've hit all the clowns on the head and still they keep poppin' up laughing and tellin' jokes. LOL

[28RPU]

I found some of the jokes not to my liking too,so I didn't laugh at those. I choose to ignore what I don't like, but some people think they should make everyone think and act like them. Those people are the kind that put our country in the mess its in. If you don't like something written or said, then don't read or listen to it. Just move on.
If you can't laugh at yourself then you are a pitiful bore.

[Dave Mc]

Ya know why Dogs lick themselves ?



Cause they can't make a fist

[1949FORD]

Originally Posted by Dave Mc

Ya know why Dogs lick themselves ?



Cause they can't make a fist

that made my day!!

[Binx]

I think this is total chicken sh-t to summarily delete this thread due to minority influence. This could've been handled much better. My wife and I went to D.C. last week to protest OBAMACARE during the verbal arguments. I'd like to think we will make a difference. Ryan (or whomever) didn't give us that chance here.

I enjoyed this thread because it was the "best of the best" jokes people had to offer and I forwarded many of them to friends and family.

Moderators should wear "big boy pants". If it breaks the rules then delete IT and only IT -- not give in to special interest groups.

OBTW I am Christian, but not holier than thou.

Lonnie

[Lanny]

Here's a best selling book written by a Cannibal.
"HOW TO SERVE YOUR FELLOW MAN"


A Cannibal school boy got expelled last week
cause he was trying to butter-up the teacher.



Two Cannibals just got done eating, and one says to the other
Your wife makes the Best Roast, the other Cannibal says,
Ya, I'm really gonna miss her too.












.

[wspiker]

Hey Tinker, Who are YOU to decided "not that I cared, but thought others would?!!!!!! Did someone put YOU in charge?

If you don't like what you see, my suggestion is, YOU move one; that is what I do, and it works.

[ford38v8]

Lonnie, there are many more that feel the loss as you do, and I believe many also would agree with your fix of deleting the offending joke rather than the entire thread.
It is what it is, though, and we'll deal with it. There is a current thread to replace the deleted Joke of The Day, so we can get our daily humor fix from More Jokes of the Day from now on.

[wspiker]

My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box!!!!!!

[ford38v8]

Spiker... What Lanny said.

[Lanny]

Couple more Stupid Cannibal jokes just came to me.


Two Cannibals just finished eating, and the one says
that last girl friend of yours sure was a sweet little thing,
the other Cannibal says, Ya, I think I added too much Sugar.



Two Cannibals catch a Clown and are eating him,
one says, does this taste funny to you ?



A salesman knocks on the Cannibals door and says, is your wife home ?
Cannibal says, Parts of her are here someplace.



One Cannibal says, I like my women with Nothing on 'em.
The other Cannibal says, I like mine with the works, inc. mustard, katsup, relish.











.

[Fe26]

X2 on the big boy pants!

The silent majority lose when power is exercised in deference to a few.
Knee jerk reactions are often the result of the indiscriminate use of power, with out those weilding the power taking the time to let things settle down, or more wisely, stepping in with a Moderators voice and steering the dispute to a reasonable conclusion.

All that happens when people are treated with disrespect and high-handedness is; people will find other means to share their wit and humour. Many a censor has despaired when the tighter they grasp a handful of sand, the faster it falls through their fingers.

And so we have jokes again, Viva the JOKE and Viva again. This time I think the joke is on the Moderator, as Miss Bette Midler said "F**K 'em if they can't take a joke".

[John Kennedy]

While I'm certainly not a fan of censorship in any form, there's a lot to be said that Ryan (if I'm correct here) BOUGHT this place from Shelly and placed a couple of basic rules. Some of the rules include no religious or political stuff.

His Barn, his rules. And hey, it's not like we paid at the door to get in.

[John Kennedy]

You want an anything goes site that allows racist, sexist, religious jokes? Go to Chop Cult's joke of the day thread in the Junk Pile section. Ask me how I know

[sonny]

[Graeme / New Zealand]

Good one Sonny !!

GB

[TomW]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer??

[Dave72dt]

Originally Posted by TomW

If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer??

No. Just point at them, pull your thumb back andpull the invisible trigger. They'll go down without a sound.

[wspiker]

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still........................ :-)

[Lanny]

A guy goes to the doctor and the doc examines him for constipation, and
gives him a prescription for 2 suppositories.

“Use two of these today and come back in three days”, said the doctor.

After three days, the guy returns and the doctor says, “Well, how did that medicine I prescribed work for you ?”

The guy says, “Doc, i ATE all 3 of them damn suppositories, and they
didn't do any good at all, I coulda just as well shoved ‘em up my butt!”










.

[Dave Mc]

A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each
and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had)
and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied,"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If

they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn
out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife,"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the
pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is
honking the horn."

[Dave Mc]

Ya know why a Dog lifts his leg to pee ?


Throws his ass outta gear so he don't shit

[Scott H]

Why do elephants have a yellow leg?
'cause they can't lift it as high as a dog can.

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Because her dog is blind too.

[Lanny]

Little Johnnie runs into the classroom and yells
teacher, teacher, my dogs ass just got run over.

The teacher says, Johnnie, you should say rectum !!!

Johnnie yells, rectum ? wrecked 'em ?
Hell it killed him !










.

[Dave Mc]

This is No joke, but good for a Smile,
http://www.wimp.com/dancingjive/

[sonny]

http://mail.aol.com/35919-211/aol-6/...n_this_way.wmv

[sonny]

http://mail.aol.com/35919-211/aol-6/...striptease.wmv

[ford38v8]

From the other side

WANDA: Hey Sylvia! How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I freakin' froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

[TomW]

Did you ever wonder...

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

[Dave Mc]

Originally Posted by TomW

Did you ever wonder...

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

And
How does a Blind Man know when he's done wiping ?

[sonny]

[hombres ruin]

Originally Posted by sonny

That is so damn funny,i am sure it will cause a stir with some self rightous individuals who would like to tell us all how to live yet behind closed doors does everything they say they dont do...bring back the thread please!

[Dave Mc]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any
time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's
no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job.She
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Lanny]

Subject: Welfare

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the longhours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort thedaughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as thedaughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."











.

[Fe26]

I am sending this to all my male friends as a warning.

Very, Very Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc... This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works;

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

So far I have had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.
Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends and family to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot.

[Dave Mc]

Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner ...however, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited for the tardy politician to arrive.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here," said the priest. I thought I had surely been assigned to a most terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had also stolen money from his aged and sickly parents, embezzled large sums of money
from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken
illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the
days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".. .

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father O'Flaherty arrived," said the politician. "....In fact, I had the honor
of being the first one to go to him in confession."

[raisinhel]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

* FOR SALE 1 nice white wedding dress size 8 used only once by mistake.

* Other than that Mrs. Lincoln did you enjoy the play?

* Bob was in trouble for forgetting his wedding anniversary.
his wife told him, for that she 'now wanted something in the driveway that went from 0 to 180 in under 6 seconds.
Bob left early for work the next morning and his wife looked out the window saw a box all wrapped sitting in the driveway, excited she ran out grabbed the box and brought it in the house and unwrapping it she expected keys or a title card BUT it was a brand NEW bathroom scale!
Nobody has seen Bob for days!!

[Dave Mc]

Words of Wisdom


Think on this




Without Nipples Boobs would be Pointless )-)-

[Dave Mc]

We probably should've known this was coming

[sonny]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsSTwuOKRKI&sns=em

[sonny]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqIEZCRjR_A

[FatFndr]

Definition - gynecologist - is a spreader of old wives tales.

[Dave Mc]

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading,

when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge
and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat
him on a lawn chair.

“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes” he replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore ”
“The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had
a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the
wastebasket”. ”You won’t be needing this anymore”, he said.
"So I thanked him and left.”

[Dave Mc]

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.



the President who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered



"It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "



The elderly woman laughed and replied:



''You know ... I fell on my ass, not on my head!"

[Lanny]

Two best friends in the old car hobby make a pact. Whoever dies first has to let the other two know if there are old cars in heaven.

A few years later Harry dies and comes back to his best friend Steve. Steve asks him, "Harry, do they have old cars in heaven?"



"Well, there's good news and bad news about that", says Harry. "The good news is there are old cars in heaven, the bad news is you are going to be the Chief Judge at next week's show."




++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++





3 friends at work were talking.

First guy-" Whada u buying ur ole' lady fer Christmas?"

Second Guy-"A car. I think I'll buy her a Frasier, and amaze her."

First guy-" Good idea. I think I'll buy mine a Kaiser, and surprize her."

Third guy-"Then I think I'll buy mine a Tucker..."






.





.

[JM 35 Sedan]

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring Balance and Stability to your life

[sonny]

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v...66lw&vq=medium

[Scott H]

Originally Posted by sonny

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v...66lw&vq=medium

why ??

[sonny]

Why what?

[Scott H]

Originally Posted by sonny

Why what?

Why would you post a link to a YouTube photo of rural Italians dancing and signing in Italian. What purpose does that serve on a "jokes" thread or on a car site at all? Just wondering what the thought process was.

[sonny]

Well I'm Italian, understand it, and find it quite funny. That wasn't sent to you personally. But I'm sure there are others out there that may also find it humorous. Ciao.

[Dave Mc]

.

The Shortest Books of All Time





___________________________________________
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
.
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOWTO BE TRUE
By Al Gore and John Kerry

_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
_______________________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFETO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

_______________________________________
TO ALL THE MENWE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes and Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________________________________
GUIDE TO DATINGETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

_______________________________________
THE AMISHPHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FINDTHE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
__________________________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introductionby The Rev. Jesse Jackson
__________________________________________________ __
My Complete Knowledgeof Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
__________________________________________
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

[FatFndr]

"A Californian woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Mount Shasta, CA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that flew past her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor in Redding.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor who had recently moved there from Oklahoma, listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the OKIE doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to the present ObamaCare they turned you down. "

[Graeme / New Zealand]

Who really is the fastest?

[Lanny]

A group of classic car owners were gathered for coffee one day,
and one older gentleman says, my hearing is getting so bad, I can
hardly hear the alarm clock anymore.

Yes, I know replied the second, and my cataracts are so bad, I can't
see how much cream to pour in my coffee today.

I can't turn my head, said the third, because of the arthritis in my neck.

My blood pressure pills make my dizzy, commented the fourth, adding, I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.

Well, it's not all bad, piped up the first, We should be thankful that we
can all at least still drive.

========================================





An old fella is driving down the 405 freeway when he gets a call from his
wife, she says, Harry, I just heard on the news that a car is driving the
wrong way down the 405, so be carefull.

Harry replies, hell it's not just one, it hundreds of 'em !!!









.

[FatFndr]

Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?"

I replied -

"4.1 million illegal immigrants,

1.1 million crack heads,

24.4 million unemployable people,

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,

and over 650 idiots in Congress. Plus one in the White House.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?

[Dave Mc]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date
with
Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's
all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let
her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture
wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied
back in
a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is
called the Twist!"

[TomW]

Three guys die together and go to heaven...

St Peter says "we only have one rule - Don't step on the ducks." They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step on a duck.

The first guy steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever!"

The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together....

The third guy is very careful. He goes several months without stepping on any ducks. One day St Peter comes along with this gorgeous woman...Blonde, Blue eyes...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

He remarks "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[oldford2]

Well, back in 1931 there was a great need for hot, boiling water in the rural areas where there was no electricity. So Henry Ford put his enginers on a project to make a machine to provide this need. Soon after, they proudly presented Henry with an 8 cylinder contraption that quickly boiled water. Then Henry got another idea and said: "let's put this engine in the 32 cars". So there you have rest of the story.

[russcc]

A lady reporter is interviewing and an old indian chief for a story. She remarkes, you have a lot of feathers in your headress, what are they for ?
The chief replies, make many sqaw. The reporter exclaims, "oh dear". The chief says, "no deer, stand to tall, run to fast". The reported responds with , "you are hostile". The chief says, "hoss style, doggy style, any style". The lady, outraged says" you savage, you should be hung" The chief, "I am, that's why I am chief". Best told in person.

[Lanny]

Here is a VERY FUNNY video that should make you laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM










.

[Dave Mc]

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's
surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is
there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid
so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say
I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it
won't be yours."

[Dave Mc]

Cephas asked Willard..."Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"

"I think you mean salt peter!"

"Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!

[Ryan]

I merged these threads... We don't need 2 joke of the day threads.

[Scott H]

Originally Posted by Ryan

I merged these threads... We don't need 2 joke of the day threads.

Thanks for merging, and thanks for keeping them alive.

[B-O-B]

Yeah what Scot sez. Good deal.

[swoopNZ]

When little Johnny was born his male member was extremely tiny and through the years hardly grew at all,
When he became a teenager his Mom took him to a doctor who then sent him on to a Specialist.
The Specialist decided the lack of growth down there was due to a mineral deficiency and recommended a diet of burnt toast to begin immediately.
Next morning Johhny awoke to his Mother coming into his room with a huge plate loaded with burnt toast.
"Gee Mom, I'll never be able to eat all that" says Johhny.
" You take the top 2 slices son" says his Mother " the rest is for your Father "

[sonny]

[sonny]

I think I must be doing something wrong. Some of my posts have been deleted. If they are too offensive, please tell me. What's offensive to some may be hilarious to others. You go around once in this life and as far as I'm concerned that's it. People need to lighten up. I think most of us are old enough for a good laugh without being offended.

[danliveshere]

A magician on a cruise ship is always having his tricks ruined by the ships parrot. Every time he performs a trick the parrot squawks" it's in his pocket". "4 of clubs". "it's got a false bottom". The magician is furious with the parrot for explaining every trick. That night the ship sinks, and the only 2 survivors are the magician and the parrot. They cling to a piece of drift wood for 5 days, just staring at each other, neither saying a word. Eventually the parrot cracks, and says "ok, you got me you smart ass, where did you hide the f^*%^^*g ship?"

[theHIGHLANDER]

An elderly couple were spending their 50th wedding anniversary in the same place as their honeymoon. Back in their room after the day's activities, the woman comes out of the bathroom in sheer lingere and asks her husband, "What were you thinking in this room 50yrs ago?" He replies, "I was thinking I wanted to suck your breasts dry and screw you stupid." Blushing and flattered the woman responds, "Well, what are you thinking now?" He looks her over and says, "I'm thinkin I did a pretty good job!"

[1931 flamingo]

sonny: If I recall, the reason the original thread disappeared was because of "inappropiate" postings.
Paul in CT

[sonny]

Such as. and inappropiate to who?

[sonny]

I like a good laugh, and I like to make other people laugh.

[Charlie Stephens]

In real estate the best criteria for deciding what should be disclosed in the sale of a house is "if you wonder if you should disclose it, you probably should". A slight twist on that might be "if you wonder whether or not you should post it, you probably shouldn't". This is one of my favorite threads and I would like to see it remain.

Charlie Stephens

[Scott H]

Originally Posted by sonny

Such as. and inappropiate to who?

Since you asked, If they wouldn't publish it in Reader's Digest or show it on network Prime Time television don't post it. That way you know you'll be safe.

And no, I'm not looking to stretch this into a long debate about previously published off-color jokes or who gets to decide what is and isn't appropriate. Let's not push the envelope to see what we can get away with. We lost this once lets be mature about it and sometimes we need to censor ourselves a bit for the common good. We don't need to see every joke that's out there on the internet, there are other sites for that and there is also the free market that will allow someone to start their own site and run it however they want.

This site isn't just for old men, there might be someone's kids or grandkids who like to look at the old cars.

[theHIGHLANDER]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

A piano player auditioned for a job in a piano bar. The patrons liked his music and the owner did too. He asked the player:

"As much as my patrons and I like your music, I don't recognize a lot of it."

"Well those are my songs, I wrote them." , he says proudly.

"Really? What do you call that last one?"

"I call that 'The Oral Sex Overture'"

The owner was taken aback and says, "Whoa, what was the one before that?"

"I called that one 'Vaginal Valentine' and the other one was..." now stopped by the owner.

"Ok, if you keep the titles to yourself you can have the job. Deal?"

"Deal." and the player had a gig.

After his 1st set's intermission one of the patrons stopped the piano player as he was leaving the restroom saying, "Hey buddy, you know fly is open and your dick is hangin out?"

"Know it!? I WROTE IT!"

[Dave Mc]

A
woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot
cocoa.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The
husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we
met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear
up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says
solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she
replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming
easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I
will send you to prison for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she
replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I
would have gotten out today."

[Dave Mc]

Say this Real fast

How much shit could a Dipshit Dip
if a Dipshit could Dip Shit

[B-O-B]

Todays kids probably know more off colored jokes & stuff than most of us old farts & fartettes.

[TomW]

An elderly couple were spending their 50th anniversary in the same place as their honeymoon. Back in their room after a pleasant day, thw woman comes out of the bathroom in sheer lingerie and asks her husband "what were you thinking in this room 50 yrs ago?!" He replies " I was thinking that I wanted to suck your breasts dry and screw you stupid!" Flattered, the woman responds "well, what are you thinking now?" He looks her over and says " I'm thinking I did a pretty good job!"

[Lanny]

OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?



A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A. A different bar.


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?


A. Sum Ting Wong .


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?


A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on


Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?


A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.


Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?


A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'


Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???


A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'


A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'


Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?


A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States












.

[theHIGHLANDER]

A blonde is driving her vintage sports car in the country and sees another blonde in a row boat, in a meadow, rowing like crazy going nowhere. Upset, she stops and gets out yelling, "It's blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim I come out there and kick your ass!"


Later her car breaks down and she calls for road service. The repairman shows up to take a look, and before long it's running again. "Wow that was quick! What did you do?" "Aw it was nutthin really, just crap in carburator." She replies, "Well how often should I do that?"

[sonny]

Anybody happen to notice how many views and replies this site gets?

[Graeme / New Zealand]

Originally Posted by sonny

Anybody happen to notice how many views and replies this site gets?

Right on sonny ! ......roll on with the jokes lads, the dynamos starting to hum again! ( you all remember Frank Zappa).

GB

[sonny]

http://mail.aol.com/36032-111/aol-6/...5s_Got_You.wmv

[B-O-B]

I got a good laugh out of this one:

1 pair of front fender off 40 ford that was in an accident. Both punch in at the head lights. They were very nice and I think they are worth repairing $150 for the pair. Local pickup only

[sonny]

http://mail.aol.com/36032-111/aol-6/...Parachute.mpeg

[sonny]

http://mail.aol.com/36032-111/aol-6/...t_drinking.wmv

[ford38v8]

Sonny, those links only work if you have an AOL account. I didn't know anyone still used AOL!

[Dave Mc]

if you are easily offended, don't read this joke


Subject: Pervert phone call
The phone rings, and my wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?"
She replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[TomW]

"NASCAR" = Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

[Dave Mc]

> After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed
> her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
>
> As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
> pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi
> sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the
> six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no,
> honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss.
> No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure,
> cross my heart” etc., etc.
>
> Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young
> woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous
> diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that
> stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

[Dave Mc]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected hissailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad!

















The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.








The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

















The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."








He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones , McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

















THE MORAL OF THE STORY:








Someone may come along and promise "Change",








but don't count on things smelling any better.

[Lanny]

Tequila Advertizement Disclamer

link below,,,,,,,,warning, it's pretty funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7nbmjkImHQ











.

[FatFndr]

THE TINY CABIN


A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred toMountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the
kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social
worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the
kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

[Dave Mc]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

SIMPLE TRUTH

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: "In life, no one will help you once you've been screwed."

[Dave Mc]

When you think about it GOD is the greatest inventor of all time
He took one of Adams' ribs and created a Loudspeaker

[Graeme / New Zealand]

A professor at a University in Detroit was giving a
lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all
the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium. When he
reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,
Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[Lanny]

We are in trouble...

The

population of this country is 300 million.

160

million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1..4 million to do the work.

At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.

And there
you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.

.

[ford38v8]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[Dave Mc]

> > The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
> first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind
> the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
> love to you."
>
> >
> > Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
>
> > OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
> can do it for old time's sake?"
> >
> > "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
>>
> > A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
> and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
> see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
> an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
> >
> >
> > The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt
> and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
> the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious
> sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
> minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
> >
>> >
> > The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
> life and old age that he didn't know.
> >
> >
> > After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
> couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
> policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
> amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
> > >
> > So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
> there some sort of secret to this?"
>>
> > Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
> >
> > "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Dave Mc]

Deer Camp:
All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man,
that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."

[lesbliss]

Two gufighte s are at the bar. The younger says" I hear your an old time shootist. "Yup" came the reply. "Well I'm looking for some hints to improve my shooting." The old guy looks him over and sugests that he lower his holster. The young guys does then draws and shoots the bow tie off the piano player. "Boy that really worked. any other tricks?" The old feller replied" well you might trim a little off your holster around the hammer." Then youngster tries that draws and shoots a cuff link off the piano player.

The younger thanks the old timer and asks if he has any other help. The old guy shifts his tobacca plug spits and says"see that can of grease behind the bar? Go over threre and cover your gun with grease." The youngster asks " Just the barrell?"

"No your gonna want the whole thing slick. That guy you've been shootin at is Wyatt Earp and as soon as he finishes playing the piano he's gonna shove that gun right up your rearend."

[sonny]

I don't know, maybe it's just me.

[Dave Mc]

Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be home by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - I want the truth, and I want it NOW!'

Husband - "Fine. We finished eighteen holes in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am.
There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

[jack orchard]

Originally Posted by lesbliss

Two gufighters are at the bar. The younger says" I hearyour an olod time shootist. "Yup" came the reply. "Well I'm looking for some hints to improve my shooting." The old guy looks him over and sugests that he lower his holster. The young guys does then draws and shoots the bow tie off the piano player. "Boy

i'm not real smart. could you explain?...jack

[Lanny]

Back in the good'ol days one saturday afternoon in Dodge City, a bunch of cowboys were gathered at the Long Branch saloon listening to a piano player play.

A drifter came in, sat at the bar, and slammed down a couple drinks, pulled out his gun, and shot the piano players drink right off the top of the piano, and yelled, "quit that dammed piano playing".

The guy just kept playing and the cowboys clapped after each song.
The drifter, after slamming down a couple more drinks, pulled his gun again, and shot the vace of flowers right off thre top of the piano, and yelled agian, "I said quit that rotten sounding piano playing".

The piano player just kept playing away.

Then Miss Kitty tapped the drifter on the shoulder, and said, "You should run accross the street to the butcher shop, find the vat of lard that is in the back room, dunk your gun in that vat of lard, and swish it around real good, and cover it with as much lard as you can possibly get on it, cause when Wyatt Earp gets done playing those songs he wrote for his dead mother, he's goona take that gun of yours, and stick it
where you don't even want to know" !!!












.

[1936coupe]

went to a dance with the wife, there was a guy giving it large on the dance floor, " see him he asked me to marry him 15 years ago i turned him down" she said, " looks like he is still celebrating i said.

[Dave Mc]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.





Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"





"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I Go fishin."

[Dave Mc]

*Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the Captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.

*Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London **Heathrow to * *Oslo**.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax** **and... **OH, MY GOD !
**Silence followed!**

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' *

*Ole, sitting in the plane yelled out: "Vat da Hell now, you should see da back of mine"*

[Dave Mc]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.





One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"







"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[Dave Mc]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of
complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"



After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[Lanny]

This is NOT political, as these are jokes
by some of our most famous comedians.





The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman








Solution to the problem in


Libya: They want a new


Muslim leader,


Give them ours.









.

[Tim Brown]

Thanks for the jokes Lanny. I like jokes...

[Dave Mc]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling
to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for
the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Kahuna]

Sponsored Links (Register now to hide all advertisements)

Girl on a bridge

On May 25th a group of Harley bikers were riding south on I-275 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Sunshine Skyway so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 57, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the Florida State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets applause and approval from his group, the onlookers. Even from the State Trooper.
Then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".

[Dave Mc]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating an asshole!!", she screams.

[Lanny]

Here's An Old Joke, But Maybe A Few Here Haven't Heard It

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband
comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the
upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The
husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and
he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says:
"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much
is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do
it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what
kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"











.

[Dave Mc]

A bunch of us were sittin around a campfire one night star gazin and Bullshittin and someone said " I wonder what those Arabs in the Caravans eat when they are crossing the Desert ? " and I said ' 'Camel Toes' (l)

[Ryan]

This is getting too political and what not for me fellas... Lets get back to fords.