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Old 06-06-2012, 10:28 AM   #141
Dave Mc
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Default Re: joke of the day.

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.





One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"







"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.










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Old 06-07-2012, 05:20 PM   #142
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of
complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"



After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."











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Old 06-07-2012, 05:56 PM   #143
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Default Re: joke of the day.

This is NOT political, as these are jokes
by some of our most famous comedians.





The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper

stickers off the road.
--David Letterman









Solution to the problem in


Libya: They want a new


Muslim leader,


Give them ours.









.
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Old 06-07-2012, 10:54 PM   #144
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Thanks for the jokes Lanny. I like jokes...
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Old 06-08-2012, 06:30 PM   #145
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling
to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for
the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:10 PM   #146
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Girl on a bridge

On May 25th a group of Harley bikers were riding south on I-275 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Sunshine Skyway so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 57, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the Florida State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets applause and approval from his group, the onlookers. Even from the State Trooper.
Then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
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Old 06-12-2012, 01:17 PM   #147
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating an asshole!!", she screams.
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:37 PM   #148
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Here's An Old Joke, But Maybe A Few Here Haven't Heard It

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband
comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the
upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The
husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and
he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says:
"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much
is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do
it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what
kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"











.
__________________
I live on tuff street, the further ya go,
the tuffer they git,
I live in the last house on the block !!!
___________________________________________

You bet ya, I wear the pants in My family --------
So What, if She tells me which ones to wear ?
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:19 AM   #149
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A bunch of us were sittin around a campfire one night star gazin and Bullshittin and someone said " I wonder what those Arabs in the Caravans eat when they are crossing the Desert ? " and I said ' 'Camel Toes' (l)
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:47 PM   #150
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Default Re: joke of the day.

This is getting too political and what not for me fellas... Lets get back to fords.
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