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Old 05-07-2012, 10:53 AM   #121
TomW
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Default Re: joke of the day.

"NASCAR" = Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
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Old 05-07-2012, 12:19 PM   #122
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Default Re: joke of the day.

> After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed
> her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
>
> As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
> pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi
> sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the
> six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no,
> honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss.
> No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure,
> cross my heart” etc., etc.
>
> Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young
> woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous
> diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that
> stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
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Old 05-07-2012, 12:44 PM   #123
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Default Re: joke of the day.





There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected hissailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad!

















The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.








The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

















The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."








He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones , McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

















THE MORAL OF THE STORY:








Someone may come along and promise "Change",








but don't count on things smelling any better.


























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Old 05-07-2012, 01:32 PM   #124
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Tequila Advertizement Disclamer

link below,,,,,,,,warning, it's pretty funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7nbmjkImHQ











.
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:09 AM   #125
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Default Re: joke of the day.

THE TINY CABIN


A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred toMountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the
kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social
worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the
kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?
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Old 05-12-2012, 11:53 AM   #126
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Default Re: joke of the day.

SIMPLE TRUTH

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: "In life, no one will help you once you've been screwed."


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Old 05-15-2012, 08:53 PM   #127
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Default Re: joke of the day.

When you think about it GOD is the greatest inventor of all time
He took one of Adams' ribs and created a Loudspeaker
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Old 05-17-2012, 12:08 AM   #128
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A professor at a University in Detroit was giving a
lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?


Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all
the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,

and began to make his way up to the podium. When he
reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,
Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied,

"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

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Old 05-17-2012, 02:19 PM   #129
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Default Re: joke of the day.

We are in trouble...













The
population of this country is 300 million.








160
million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the
work.




There are 85 million in school.




Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.




2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1..4 million to do the work.




At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.



And there
you are,



Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice. Real nice.








.
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the tuffer they git,
I live in the last house on the block !!!
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Old 05-17-2012, 07:07 PM   #130
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:56 PM   #131
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Default Re: joke of the day.

> > The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
> first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind
> the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
> love to you."
>
> >
> > Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
>
> > OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
> can do it for old time's sake?"
> >
> > "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
>>
> > A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
> and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
> see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
> an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
> >
> >
> > The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt
> and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
> the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious
> sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
> minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
> >
>> >
> > The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
> life and old age that he didn't know.
> >
> >
> > After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
> couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
> policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
> amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
> > >
> > So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
> there some sort of secret to this?"
>>
> > Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
> >
> > "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Old 05-25-2012, 12:54 AM   #132
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Deer Camp:
All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man,
that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
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Old 05-30-2012, 12:05 AM   #133
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Two gufighte s are at the bar. The younger says" I hear your an old time shootist. "Yup" came the reply. "Well I'm looking for some hints to improve my shooting." The old guy looks him over and sugests that he lower his holster. The young guys does then draws and shoots the bow tie off the piano player. "Boy that really worked. any other tricks?" The old feller replied" well you might trim a little off your holster around the hammer." Then youngster tries that draws and shoots a cuff link off the piano player.

The younger thanks the old timer and asks if he has any other help. The old guy shifts his tobacca plug spits and says"see that can of grease behind the bar? Go over threre and cover your gun with grease." The youngster asks " Just the barrell?"

"No your gonna want the whole thing slick. That guy you've been shootin at is Wyatt Earp and as soon as he finishes playing the piano he's gonna shove that gun right up your rearend."

Last edited by lesbliss; 05-31-2012 at 07:02 PM. Reason: ending was dropped
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:32 AM   #134
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Default Re: joke of the day.

I don't know, maybe it's just me.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:29 AM   #135
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be home by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - I want the truth, and I want it NOW!'

Husband - "Fine. We finished eighteen holes in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am.
There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:55 AM   #136
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lesbliss View Post
Two gufighters are at the bar. The younger says" I hearyour an olod time shootist. "Yup" came the reply. "Well I'm looking for some hints to improve my shooting." The old guy looks him over and sugests that he lower his holster. The young guys does then draws and shoots the bow tie off the piano player. "Boy
i'm not real smart. could you explain?...jack
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Old 05-30-2012, 01:12 PM   #137
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Back in the good'ol days one saturday afternoon in Dodge City, a bunch of cowboys were gathered at the Long Branch saloon listening to a piano player play.

A drifter came in, sat at the bar, and slammed down a couple drinks, pulled out his gun, and shot the piano players drink right off the top of the piano, and yelled, "quit that dammed piano playing".

The guy just kept playing and the cowboys clapped after each song.
The drifter, after slamming down a couple more drinks, pulled his gun again, and shot the vace of flowers right off thre top of the piano, and yelled agian, "I said quit that rotten sounding piano playing".

The piano player just kept playing away.

Then Miss Kitty tapped the drifter on the shoulder, and said, "You should run accross the street to the butcher shop, find the vat of lard that is in the back room, dunk your gun in that vat of lard, and swish it around real good, and cover it with as much lard as you can possibly get on it, cause when Wyatt Earp gets done playing those songs he wrote for his dead mother, he's goona take that gun of yours, and stick it
where you don't even want to know" !!!












.
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I live in the last house on the block !!!
___________________________________________

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Old 05-31-2012, 04:15 AM   #138
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Default Re: joke of the day.

went to a dance with the wife, there was a guy giving it large on the dance floor, " see him he asked me to marry him 15 years ago i turned him down" she said, " looks like he is still celebrating i said.
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Old 06-01-2012, 04:15 PM   #139
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Default Re: joke of the day.




After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.





Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"





"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I Go fishin."
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Old 06-05-2012, 05:57 PM   #140
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Default Re: joke of the day.

*Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the Captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.

*Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London **Heathrow to * *Oslo**.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax** **and... **OH, MY GOD !
**Silence followed!**

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' *

*Ole, sitting in the plane yelled out: "Vat da Hell now, you should see da back of mine"*
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