The Ford Barn - Not Model A, but a funny car ad

1991 SUBARU BRUMBY. FULL SERVICE HISTORY. 185,000km

Fabricated from rare minerals excavated from the core of Mount Olympus, artfully designed by Zeus and skillfully handcrafted in the Land of the Rising Sun by the deft hands of the infamous 7 Samurai. This Japanese rice-rocket is unquestionably the most heroic form of transport since the Apollo 11 lunar module.

Searching for a delightful automobile to ferry you to Angus and Robertson to buy Fifty Shades of Grey, or perhaps cart little Timmy to clarinet lessons? Do me a favour, smash your laptop on the ground, give yourself an uppercut and take a good, long look in the mirror. Frankly, I’m offended.

If, on the other hand, you’re hunting for the most diabolical slab of precious metal to be synthesised during the Big Bang, please continue…

To date, the most monumental day of your existence was your wedding, or the birth of your children. That’s about to change! In fact, you’d trade your spouse and all of your offspring just to test-drive this barbarian.

FACTS:

In 1885, this car transported the Statue of Liberty to New York City from Paris.

Cast as KITT in 1982’s Knight Rider TV series, but eventually deemed too intelligent for the role.

Manufactured in 1991, this Brumby was responsible for the Grunge movement. If Kurt Cobain owned one, Nirvana would still be thrashing out tunes.

I drove it to my last job interview and my employer handed me his résumé.

If you were to be run over by this beast, you’d have to fight off the strong urge to thank the driver.

When the cops pulled me over a few weeks ago, they were lucky to leave with a warning.

SPECIFICATIONS:

Bullbar forged from unicorn horns.

2 seats (thrones) upholstered with Albino Panda fur.

Stereo system used for sound engineering the U2 360 tour.

Built-in chick/dude magnet (it knows your preference).

Integrated time machine (takes you back to 1991 when you step inside)

Powered by nuclear fusion (makes Coles/Woolies fuel vouchers redundant)

Windscreen wiper jets filled with the tears of Jesus (washes away the most sinful grime)

No power steering (so you better start pumping iron to shred your biceps)

Analogue clock (ask your Grandfather how to read it).

PRICE:

$5,000 or 6.5kg of freshly minted Swiss gold bullion

Reasonable offers accepted.

(Example of a reasonable offer: $10,000 +)

Twitter: @RichWisken

Read my blog - I drink heavily, then write: http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au