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Re: joke of the day. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job.She couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. Velcro — what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. |
Re: More Jokes of the Day Subject: Welfare
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the longhours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort thedaughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as thedaughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." . |
Re: More Jokes of the Day I am sending this to all my male friends as a warning.
Very, Very Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men! Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc... This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works; Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet! So far I have had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends and family to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot. |
Re: More Jokes of the Day Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner ...however, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited for the tardy politician to arrive. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here," said the priest. I thought I had surely been assigned to a most terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had also stolen money from his aged and sickly parents, embezzled large sums of money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".. . Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father O'Flaherty arrived," said the politician. "....In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." |
Re: More Jokes of the Day * FOR SALE 1 nice white wedding dress size 8 used only once by mistake.
* Other than that Mrs. Lincoln did you enjoy the play? * Bob was in trouble for forgetting his wedding anniversary. his wife told him, for that she 'now wanted something in the driveway that went from 0 to 180 in under 6 seconds. Bob left early for work the next morning and his wife looked out the window saw a box all wrapped sitting in the driveway, excited she ran out grabbed the box and brought it in the house and unwrapping it she expected keys or a title card BUT it was a brand NEW bathroom scale! Nobody has seen Bob for days!! |
Re: More Jokes of the Day Words of Wisdom
Think on this Without Nipples Boobs would be Pointless )-)- |
Re: joke of the day. 1 Attachment(s)
We probably should've known this was coming
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Re: joke of the day. Definition - gynecologist - is a spreader of old wives tales.
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Re: joke of the day. A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading,
when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge |
Re: joke of the day. An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.
the President who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? " The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''You know ... I fell on my ass, not on my head!" |
Re: More Jokes of the Day Two best friends in the old car hobby make a pact. Whoever dies first has to let the other two know if there are old cars in heaven.
A few years later Harry dies and comes back to his best friend Steve. Steve asks him, "Harry, do they have old cars in heaven?" "Well, there's good news and bad news about that", says Harry. "The good news is there are old cars in heaven, the bad news is you are going to be the Chief Judge at next week's show."http://forums.aaca.org/images/smilies/eek.gif ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++ 3 friends at work were talking. First guy-" Whada u buying ur ole' lady fer Christmas?" Second Guy-"A car. I think I'll buy her a Frasier, and amaze her." First guy-" Good idea. I think I'll buy mine a Kaiser, and surprize her." Third guy-"Then I think I'll buy mine a Tucker..." . . |
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Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring Balance and Stability to your life
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Re: joke of the day. Quote:
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Re: joke of the day. Why what?
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Re: joke of the day. Well I'm Italian, understand it, and find it quite funny. That wasn't sent to you personally. But I'm sure there are others out there that may also find it humorous. Ciao.
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