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Old 04-27-2012, 06:11 PM   #81
Dave Mc
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Default Re: joke of the day.

.
The Shortest Books of All Time





___________________________________________
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
.
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOWTO BE TRUE
By Al Gore and John Kerry

_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
_______________________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFETO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

_______________________________________
TO ALL THE MENWE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes and Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________________________________
GUIDE TO DATINGETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

_______________________________________
THE AMISHPHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FINDTHE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
__________________________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introductionby The Rev. Jesse Jackson
__________________________________________________ __
My Complete Knowledgeof Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
__________________________________________
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama














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Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him, better take a closer look at the American Indian!" - Henry Ford


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Old 04-27-2012, 08:24 PM   #82
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Default Re: joke of the day.

"A Californian woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Mount Shasta, CA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that flew past her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor in Redding.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor who had recently moved there from Oklahoma, listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the OKIE doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to the present ObamaCare they turned you down. "
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Old 04-28-2012, 01:53 AM   #83
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Who really is the fastest?
Attached Images
File Type: jpg tortise&hare.jpg (38.4 KB, 122 views)
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Old 04-28-2012, 11:25 PM   #84
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Default Re: More Jokes of the Day

A group of classic car owners were gathered for coffee one day,
and one older gentleman says, my hearing is getting so bad, I can
hardly hear the alarm clock anymore.

Yes, I know replied the second, and my cataracts are so bad, I can't
see how much cream to pour in my coffee today.

I can't turn my head, said the third, because of the arthritis in my neck.

My blood pressure pills make my dizzy, commented the fourth, adding, I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.

Well, it's not all bad, piped up the first, We should be thankful that we
can all at least still drive.

========================================





An old fella is driving down the 405 freeway when he gets a call from his
wife, she says, Harry, I just heard on the news that a car is driving the
wrong way down the 405, so be carefull.

Harry replies, hell it's not just one, it hundreds of 'em !!!









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the tuffer they git,
I live in the last house on the block !!!
___________________________________________

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So What, if She tells me which ones to wear ?
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:54 PM   #85
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Talking Re: joke of the day.

Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?"

I replied -

"4.1 million illegal immigrants,

1.1 million crack heads,

24.4 million unemployable people,

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,

and over 650 idiots in Congress. Plus one in the White House.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?
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Old 04-29-2012, 11:33 PM   #86
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Default Re: More Jokes of the Day


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date
with
Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's
all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let
her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture
wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied
back in
a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is
called the Twist!"
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:23 AM   #87
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Three guys die together and go to heaven...

St Peter says "we only have one rule - Don't step on the ducks." They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step on a duck.

The first guy steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever!"

The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together....

The third guy is very careful. He goes several months without stepping on any ducks. One day St Peter comes along with this gorgeous woman...Blonde, Blue eyes...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

He remarks "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:37 PM   #88
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Well, back in 1931 there was a great need for hot, boiling water in the rural areas where there was no electricity. So Henry Ford put his enginers on a project to make a machine to provide this need. Soon after, they proudly presented Henry with an 8 cylinder contraption that quickly boiled water. Then Henry got another idea and said: "let's put this engine in the 32 cars". So there you have rest of the story.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:18 PM   #89
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Default Re: More Jokes of the Day

A lady reporter is interviewing and an old indian chief for a story. She remarkes, you have a lot of feathers in your headress, what are they for ?
The chief replies, make many sqaw. The reporter exclaims, "oh dear". The chief says, "no deer, stand to tall, run to fast". The reported responds with , "you are hostile". The chief says, "hoss style, doggy style, any style". The lady, outraged says" you savage, you should be hung" The chief, "I am, that's why I am chief". Best told in person.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:06 PM   #90
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Default Re: More Jokes of the Day

Here is a VERY FUNNY video that should make you laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM










.
__________________
I live on tuff street, the further ya go,
the tuffer they git,
I live in the last house on the block !!!
___________________________________________

You bet ya, I wear the pants in My family --------
So What, if She tells me which ones to wear ?
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:29 PM   #91
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Default Re: More Jokes of the Day

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's
surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is
there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid
so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say
I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it
won't be yours."
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Old 05-01-2012, 12:02 AM   #92
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Cephas asked Willard..."Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"

"I think you mean salt peter!"

"Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!


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Old 05-01-2012, 09:07 AM   #93
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Default Re: joke of the day.

I merged these threads... We don't need 2 joke of the day threads.
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Old 05-01-2012, 01:33 PM   #94
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan View Post
I merged these threads... We don't need 2 joke of the day threads.
Thanks for merging, and thanks for keeping them alive.
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:35 PM   #95
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Default Re: joke of the day.

Yeah what Scot sez. Good deal.
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:16 PM   #96
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Default Re: joke of the day.

When little Johnny was born his male member was extremely tiny and through the years hardly grew at all,
When he became a teenager his Mom took him to a doctor who then sent him on to a Specialist.
The Specialist decided the lack of growth down there was due to a mineral deficiency and recommended a diet of burnt toast to begin immediately.
Next morning Johhny awoke to his Mother coming into his room with a huge plate loaded with burnt toast.
"Gee Mom, I'll never be able to eat all that" says Johhny.
" You take the top 2 slices son" says his Mother " the rest is for your Father "

Last edited by swoopNZ; 05-01-2012 at 03:25 PM.
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Old 05-01-2012, 05:48 PM   #97
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:14 PM   #98
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Default Re: joke of the day.

I think I must be doing something wrong. Some of my posts have been deleted. If they are too offensive, please tell me. What's offensive to some may be hilarious to others. You go around once in this life and as far as I'm concerned that's it. People need to lighten up. I think most of us are old enough for a good laugh without being offended.
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:58 PM   #99
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Default Re: joke of the day.

A magician on a cruise ship is always having his tricks ruined by the ships parrot. Every time he performs a trick the parrot squawks" it's in his pocket". "4 of clubs". "it's got a false bottom". The magician is furious with the parrot for explaining every trick. That night the ship sinks, and the only 2 survivors are the magician and the parrot. They cling to a piece of drift wood for 5 days, just staring at each other, neither saying a word. Eventually the parrot cracks, and says "ok, you got me you smart ass, where did you hide the f^*%^^*g ship?"
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:15 PM   #100
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Default Re: joke of the day.

An elderly couple were spending their 50th wedding anniversary in the same place as their honeymoon. Back in their room after the day's activities, the woman comes out of the bathroom in sheer lingere and asks her husband, "What were you thinking in this room 50yrs ago?" He replies, "I was thinking I wanted to suck your breasts dry and screw you stupid." Blushing and flattered the woman responds, "Well, what are you thinking now?" He looks her over and says, "I'm thinkin I did a pretty good job!"
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