The Ford Barn - Grandma Drives the 1930 Model A Fordor with Grandpa Over to Christmas dinner

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like What does this do? You are kidding me! Who would use it? Oh my God!

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I sneaked into
the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My Brother and I stepped out side for some fresh air, around the corner we saw Grandma driving the old Model A Sedan almost on two wheels, Grandpa hanging on for his life and she came to a screeching Stop, almost missing the Driveway, laying on the Ahooga Horn to let us know they had arrived. We ran around the house and went in the back door.

Wham went the front door as Gram entered, the Christmas decorations on the door Flew in every direction, and we heard the ringing of Two bells, 2 more Angles got their Wings with Grandma's help.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that, by the Fireplace????" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll.
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are Her clothes. cover Her up?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gram," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me, giving Me the Elbow 2 or 3 times and said," Hey, who's the Good Looking Naked Gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and talk about Politics,
when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in
a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation, to the Doll. My brother Wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car, Honking on the Horn and Yelling for Grandpa to get in the Car,as they were Leaving!!

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage; we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

Grandpa asked for Her Telephone Number, we gave him a Phoney one He still tries to call Her whenever he can. And when He comes over to My house, first thing, He always checks out the Fire Place!!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to Every One.......